4 Things Attachment Theory Gets Wrong
Attachment patterns show up in ALL of our significant relationships, not just romantic ones. Our attachment patterns develop through each of our significant relationships in childhood, potentially including parents, non-parental caregivers, grandparents, siblings, teachers, coaches, and childhood friends.
Attachment patterns are more fluid than fixed. We can have different attachment styles in different relationships depending on a lot of factors. Our attachment style within one relationship can change over time as well.
Having secure attachment in some relationships does not make someone a better person than someone who has insecure attachment. Insecure attachment is NOT a moral or personal failure.
Insecure attachment styles are adaptive survival strategies. Anxious attachment styles form in response to lack of attuned relationships in which to learn secure attachment. Avoidant attachment styles form in response to being punished for anxious attachment. Disorganized attachment styles form in response to unpredictable or inconsistent attunement.
I find recognizing my own attachment patterns to be very helpful, BUT the original way that attachment theory was presented has a LOT of problems.
Problems with the original attachment theory include shaming people for insecure styles, moralizing attachment styles (making some good and some bad), exaggerating the causes for insecure styles (abuse is not the only cause), and writing off the disorganized style as unchangeable without significant therapy intervention.
If we understand attachment styles as extensions of our nervous system state, we can see how they are defenses against loss of connection. As a social species, connection is essential for our safety, and our body has many wise ways of attempting to restore that once it is lost. Insecure attachment is the body's wise response to attachment rupture.
Secure attachment is a privilege because many people do not have access to any safe enough people in their lives that they could possibly be securely attached to.
If you have insecure attachments, please do not blame, shame, or punish yourself for it! We get enough of that from our hyper-individualist culture that pretends attachment is a personal issue and not a collective one.
